The world through the eyes of an Optimist.

100 movies in the next 365 days.

This does not seem very difficult.

I just have to watch one movie every three days.

And then of course write about what I thought about it.

I NEVER complete these things and I suck at following routines. So I think this will be a little more difficult for me than any other normal human.

A humble attempt to stay close to the things that I love.

Lets do this ūüôā


When something terrible happens

Humans,as different  as they may appear  the first time  you look at them , are basically all the same. We are all in pursuit of happiness that is socially acceptable , we are trying to fit in while wanting to stand out. We crave for love that we think we do not deserve , are afraid of being alone when we are dying,   and of course we all anticipate prepare for and try constantly to avoid something terrible from happening that we fear will change our life forever.

I have always wondered how people stay strong  even after their world is turned upside down.

   I think it was about a week ago  that God decided to show me exactly what happens to you  when something terrible happens ….

It usually happens with ‚Äúothers‚ÄĚ so you are never really prepared for it no matter how much you try to convince yourselves otherwise. It is like a wind that blows so strong and takes with it what it has to before you even have a chance to blink.

When you lose someone  forever, nothing really is the same again. You can move on , learn to live with it eventually but you know that there always will be a part of you that you have lost and that pain will not go away. Just coming to terms with this fact feels like a thousand needles piercing through your heart.

It feels like god placed a large mirror placed across the sky  and now you see  a reflection of the world ,crystal clear. You realise that till now you had always viewed the world through filters but now you see it for what it is.  I never believed it when others said but now I have seen it for myself , the real world ; Selfish  and self sacrificing , Ignorant and Caring , Supportive and Cruel

The layers that you have put on for the world to accept you don’t seem to matter anymore and you let go.I have always been a loner and when something terrible happened I just didn’t feel the need to talk to anyone

You learn more about yourself. I am an escapist it seems, for when tragedy struck I seeked shelter in english fiction.

You feel stupid for worrying about every small thing that kept you up at night. Not even in the scariest of my nightmares had I imagined that with a blink of an eye , God will be so cruel to me and take away people that deserved better.

Guilt takes over when you realise that  you are being selfish by moving on. They deserve better than to be forgotten , I keep telling myself.

You see the people you love suffering too and you learn that there is nothing you can do that will help them . They must go through this journey on their own, just like you need to.

Still you feel a sense of accomplishment a false sense of control over life when you are taking care of others.

You start getting used to the weight on your chest and try to breathe nevertheless but every now and then there is something that happens that takes you back right to a particular moment where a part of you is till stuck.

We were supposed to go shopping together that evening ,a part of me still hopes that she would just come back.

I invited him for dinner at my place, I think I will wait for him for a long time.

This is what goes on when something terrible happens….I am sorry if it happened with you too,  I still don’t know how to  deal with this , but  maybe the fact that you are not going through this alone would offer some comfort.

What keeps you up at night? – Living with big Dreams

“A dream isn’t something that you have when you are asleep,it is the very thing that does not let you sleep. “

I never understood this the first time I read it . When you are a child your dreams are simpler. There is nothing to stop you and most importantly you are not afraid of failiure.

But now that you are all grown up. You know failure exists and you are terrified of it.  Still there is a flickering flame inside you that you cannot ignore. There is something that you know that if you don’t do you will die a sad death.

What is it? It is something that you need  to do otherwise all of this would mean nothing to you! Dreams – Peculiar Mysteries these rascals . They can drive anyone insane.

It is important to know  that all dreams are unique that  your dream is your own only and nothing can come close to what you can accomplish with it. In fact your dreams are one of the few things that differentiate you  from 8 billion others out there.

Dreams don’t come with expiration date. It is not too late to start that Novel. However dreams do have a trait of altering. I do not have the same dream as I did 10 years ago (thank god!) It is okay change  your Dream.  No one gets it right in the first try anyway. Change it as many times as you like till you find the right one.

There is not much difference between being in Love and Dreaming actually. When you find the right one you gotta hold on to it.

It is alright if you haven’t found it yet as long as you are out there looking for it.

Yes it keeps you up all night. Yes it is stressful and causes breakdowns but when you decide that to follow your dreams that nothing is going to stop you from treading along that path. Then you realize that all the struggles are worth it. That you won’t trade having a dream for anything else in the world.

Failure? Yeah that comes with the territory.  But if  J.K Rowling hadn’t failed at life we wouldn’t have Harry Potter. If Alexander Flemming hadn’t failed to keep his equipment properly like he was taught, there would be no Penicillin, an antibiotic that changed the course of medical history. Failures are hard and I wish I had a magic wand to make it okay (Maybe someday!)

Dont worry about failures though your dreams are stronger than you realise. A little nagging voice in your head won’t let you give up. Even if you give up ,You will find a way to motivate yourself to get back up again.

So What  is it that keeps tossing and turning all night? Is it worries of the past or is it the desire to change the world?

Have you discovered what you are meant to do? Or like me you are still searching ?

Whatever it is  , hold on to it  and it will show you the miseries and beauties of our world.

A journey through time…

I have this fantasy where I would like to just sit on a cloud and take a journey through time. I would like to Watch from above my life as it has happened in the last 21 years.

I want to see being the center of gravity of the whole house. I want to see the extended family center their lives around the schedule of a two year old

I would munch popcorn as I watch my five year old struggled to write the letter ‘M’ and sob for hours.

I wish to see myself playing on the jungle jim unaware of fear.

I would try not to hide my face as I watch over the day I was punished for the first time and experienced humiliation that I can still feel sometimes.

I would swirl past the moments where I believed my first crush not reciprocating my feelings was the most tragic thing that could happen.

I would see myself wanting a cellphone more than anything else. I would try not to  yell at my 12 year old self and tell her that Life without a cellphone is a blessing you won’t be able to afford in next 7 years. 

I will think about The Avengers and The Holiday I watch myself convinced that Home Alone 2 is the best movie I will ever see.

I would spend some time Watching my first kiss from a distance. I think my nerves would feel as jittery as they did then.

I think I would laugh as I see my first love promising he would me never let me go.

I would look at myself crying and disappearing into my tears when he did.I would feel comfortable then knowing that it wasn’t that god hated me as what I believed then. It was just an inevitable rite of passage.
I would see myself worry about my future and Then smile as it all works out in the end.
I would do all this If I could I would sit on a cloud and go on a journey through time….

The After math of a breakup

Breakups and heartaches have this unusual power to make you feel all alone in this planet of 8 billion. Those who read my blogs know that I am not a stranger to this agony and I don’t shy away from complaining about how unfair it is.

This post is about the aftermath of a breakup or more accurately what happened when a twenty year old got her heart broken.

If this is the first time you broke up an dare scared of what is coming then , brace yourselves it is easier than what is made to sound like. If it is not the first time then well you know how it goes…

After denying what has happened. After the int ital shock ,the yelling and the fighting stops .It is replaced by a deafening silence. You feel like you are still shouting the only difference is that no one can hear you anymore. You start missing the fights now because that way at least you were being heard.

People who care about you won’t have time or you.

It’s nothing personal, it is just the way it is. It happens with everyone.

After a point you stop missing the person and start missing who you were before this mess, Before the heartaches and the fights.

You know what sucks? It doesn’t matter if you break up with someone once or a million times it sucks every time it causes you pain every time. The reasons for pain may be different, it hurts all the same.

There are a lot of false hopes and moments of weaknesses offering temporary comfort.But more often than not they end up as nothing more than regrets and self loathing the next morning. Don’t test yourself. I did everything possible to forget about his existence and for the most time it worked.

It is supposed to hurt so bad or so they tell me. But it is also important to not get comfortable in misery. It is a trap. it takes an effort to smile , to get out of bed to talk to people.
But Some days it is easier. You start living for those days.

There is uncertainty all around and a promising charm in the past as it starts to appear better than what it really was

I have become familiar with the drill now , there feels to be a weight on your chest that you must carry Until you don’t anymore.

And for most people I know , it is like a switch. In a moment you realise that you are over it. For others it is more difficult.It is a process, and the weight decreases in the most random way. But it does decrease.

It was a conversation for me, My friend just told me it doesn’t have to be so difficult.You don’t have to be sad anymore if you decide not to be and even though I had heard these words a million times before. They just seemed to work this time. Maybe I was ready then.

Tired of moping, tired of sitting at home crying and wondering what I did wrong this time. Frankly I was tired of waiting for him to come back and fix me back.

Life didn’t go back to perfect , I am not expecting perfect anymore anyway.I still have bad nights but its the weight of the sky that isn’t there anymore.
He is not coming back and I am okay with it. with time I am going to learn to be grateful for it also.

The most important thing I learnt through all of this is that it is okay to ask for help. Sometimes it is essential to seek help. Sometimes others will help you. Most of the times you help yourself.

How a Hopeless Romantic learnt to have dreams other than true love

As a teenager , Romantic -Comedies used to be the source of my life. I was convinced that the ultimate aim of all lives was finding our significant other and declaring our love out as the world stood still.

I believed Aditya Chopra when he told us that,  ‘There is someone somewhere meant for each one of us.’ All matches are made in heaven and  the whole universe conspires to work towards our love story.Everything is just supposed to fall in place in the end.

Things have changed since then, Mostly  because I grew up 

I still believe in finding the right person to share your life with. But I don’t think it is for everyone. I think Soul mates are not the general rule but the exception. There are some people who are supposed to find the perfect man or woman but for others that is not how life works.

Not being a pessimistic here , Just considering an alternate Perspective. I have realized that while the idea of finding your other half sounds like the most romantic way to live life.There are other ways that exist.

There are so many other ‘Happy Endings’ which are equally if not more enchanting and satisfactory. Maybe some people are just meant for something else , like getting  their dream job or a true  friendship stronger and deeper than  the Pacific,your Hogwarts letter,   or a bajillion dollars. For most I think it is a combination of these and many others.

Love is love and there are infinite sources of love.For a long time now,  we have been manipulated into thinking that life is not worth living if there is no one who announces their love for you from the top of the empire state building. But I have come to realize now that  love is not only when your boyfriend walks two kilometers just to see you for twenty minutes. It is just one of the forms in which it can enter your life , give it meaning. There are many others ;  All we need to learn is how to recognize and  embrace them.

Even though I hope my future includes a tall dark and handsome   well read-good looking -kind guy .  I have now  made peace with the fact that it may not happen.The idea does seem scary  at first, but you see my point when you realize that there are somethings that you wouldn’t give up for anyone

Maybe I will become a more successful author than JK Rowling. Maybe I will be the one to prove that god exists or maybe I will prove that she doesn’t .I may save the planet from Alien invasion. I might bring peace to the world. Endless possibilites. All filled with love. Just  A different kind of love.

Any or ALL  of these can be the purpose of my life. My journey may or may not include Prince Charming and for the first time in my twenty one years, I am okay with that.



First love

A hopeless romantic, an introvert, an impassioned reader .I thought I knew all there is to know about love. I knew how the hormones work , I read about it in Shakespearean plays .I knew what was coming , I  thought I was prepared.

My discovery?  We have  been deceived. Tricked  into believing that something so profound can actually be deciphered through science or literature .All the greats try but none have even come close to really explain what it feels like. Only barely managing to scratch the surface of the behemoth called love.

I was fortunate to get a chance to move from spectating to living it . Even if it was for a brief time.

My First love was everything I had read about and yet nothing I had expected. Feeling a thousand emotions at once for the first time ,I was deep in uncharted waters.

I was soaring without wings,fleeting through the troubles of life in one instant and then crushed to pieces, left alone in another.I wanted to pause  time to let me take it all in the good and the bad. But time is cruel ,it slows down for none. It takes  a moment to take away something  it took a lifetime to build.

My first love was one of those that you hear about in Taylor swift songs.It was an Irish poetry after a bottle of rum. Not everyone understood it but all agreed  it was beautiful.It was a love story every sixteen year old dreamt of  followed by a heart break every seventeen year old dreaded.

It was best friends who fell in love. It was holding hands in the classroom and walking back home to spend an extra twenty minutes together alone. It was handmade cards and saving money for each other’s birthdays. It was imagining a perfect life together convinced that this we will make it.

It was a feeling that happens only once in a lifetime. It is  love before you know the price of love.

First love  is naive and innocent. We  were foolish but we were foolish together. It was over before we knew it Yet the remnants are mad lasting .They say is like french wine only gets better  with age. Its a battle scar that brings back all emotions every time you think of it.

It broke me , but it also rebuilt me. I lost my way only to create a new one for myself. So it may have lead to the most difficult time of my life yet . My first love was worth it all.



Confessions of a filmaholic : Everything I like about the talkies

I cannot watch a movie like I have seen many others , staring at a screen for a couple of hours mindlessly  and then returning to their routine life.

Watching movies is not a passive activity for me. When I watch a movie I live it with every frame . I cannot watch a movie if I don’t believe that the protagonists are not madly ¬†in love with each other. I believe the sincerity in the eyes of Raj (in DDLJ) when he flies half way across the world to marry a girl he just met weeks ago. ¬†I was there when Harry and Sally (in when Harry Met Sally) ¬†fell in love. I experienced their love with them.

For those two hours I believe that the hero doesn’t get hurt when he fights a dozen goons. For those two hours I am captive of this reality created onscreen.

Chak¬†de! India let us experience what it would be like if India had won the hockey world cup.Movies have a profound impact on us sometimes it is deeper ¬†and more unconscious than we realise Dostana let us acknowledge the existence of homosexuality. Sure most people are still not comfortable with it but at least the urban population doesn’t deny its existence. ¬†Lage raho¬†Muna Bhai taught us that there is an alternate way if living life. we may have not start living that way but we started appreciating and encouraging those who do.

Movies inspire us to be greater than our individual selfs.

I don’t know about you , but there is something about stepping in a movie hall , the smell of fresh popcorn , memories of make out sessions as a teenager , that just feels correct. Sure the world has evolved and getting out of bed to watch a movie is just too much a struggle nowadays.

But watching a good movie on the big screen is so surreal. Something that ¬†‘Netflix and chill’ can just not replicate.

I was too young when it came out but can you imagine watching Titanic in a movie hall ? crying with strangers in a movie hall , feeling your heart sink with that ship ,Not knowing if Jack and  Rose will make it.

Is there anywhere you can download that feeling?

Sitting there in the darkness ¬†Everything behind the exit doors seems¬†unimportant and unreal.Deadlines and failures cannot touch us there. At that moment all that matters is whether Cooper gets to meet his daughter in Interstellar or What happened to Bidya Bagchi’s husband in Kahani.

For years I have ¬†been enchanted by movies. The best thing about this art is it’s simplicity. You don’t have to be a genius to understand what the director is ¬†trying to tell you ( This not true for Inception , I still don’t get it!) You just have to allow it to ¬†take on a journey without skepticism and without judgement. If you are lucky you too will feel its magic because lets face it with the chaos that surrounds us today we all can use a little Magic.

PS. Watching La La Land inspired this post. That movie is an example of cinematic excellence and finally a true depiction of millennial love stories. Watch it if you havent already!







Houselves of Harry Potter

JK Rowling introduced us to a new world. A world where magic is real , wizards and witches exist, owls send posts and Floo powder is transport.

Anyone who has read the books or watched the movies knows Harry Potter was not about a boy waving a magic wand. They deal with deep issues of society and life. Issues that affect us , that we need to understand.

Rowling’s  world was full of fascinating  magical creatures.Each one of them was there for a reason , I believe they represent an aspect of this world. Dementors represented depression, Goblins greed or materialism and Centaurs represented wisdom.  But of all the ‘fantastic beasts’  the ones that intrigued me the most were   House elves.

House elves are shown as timid creatures that are servants to wizards.These peculiar creatures were introduced  very early in the second book when Dobby tries to warn Harry about grave dangers awaiting him at Hogwarts.

As the story progresses we learn more about House Elves. They are creatures that  live to serve. Wizards don’t care much for how they are treated but the house elves are loyal and devoted to their masters. House Elves seem used to the ill treatment and deem it dutiful to behave in a manner considered ‘appropriate.’

Was Rowling thinking of unconditional loyalty when she wrote about elves? I  don’t think so. I believe that  the house-elves represent a particular segment of our society, one that seems to be growing rapidly.

It is those people who may seem distressed  and confined to the whole world but  they don’t think so.It is the women who believe it is their husbands right to control every moment of their life.It is the families who do not see anything wrong in being treated as second class citizens.

In the books House Elves could only be freed if they were presented clothes. The House Elves dreaded getting clothes from their masters.Much like the elves , these people do not believe they are being abused. They resist the  punishment that we call freedom.How do you save someone that doesn’t  need saving? I usually have very clear points of view about everything. But this gets me all the time. They  reject our notions of freedom.

In the books Hermoine tries to liberate the elves but that just agonizes them. They don’t understand what she means by freedom. They don’t want what she has to offer to them. Dobby was the only rebel among the elves. He was a free elf who had no master and worked for Dumbledore who paid him a knickel (Wizard money)

Do you just let these people be? Or do you intervene because you know they are not being given what is rightfully theirs ;Even if they clearly do not want to be freed  .What if your intervention no matter how well intentioned comes In the way of their perceived happiness? I mean isn’t life all about  finding our perceived happiness?( their is no such thing as absolute happiness..It’s subjective its perceived.) But we cannot just close our eyes and look away , right?

Do we wait for all the houselves to understand what Dobby meant? Or do we force freedom on them?

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