What no one told me about burnout.

1. Burnout is not a constant feeling.
   It comes and goes, in fact in some moments you are almost fine, motivated, excited about life.

2. You can experience burnout even from doing the things you love.
I found out that it’s is actually more common to experience burnout from doing things that you’re passionate about.

3. You feel overwhelmed and that you are not doing enough at the same time.
You can feel the pressure of being productive without having the motivation to do so at the same time.

4. It’s a lonely experience.
It’s different for everyone and that’s why no one can relate with you.

5. You don’t want to take a break.
Your biggest fear is that stopping now will make it worse.

6. Burnout and Self-doubt are best friends, anywhere they go, they go together.

7. You feel ashamed of experiencing it.
I don’t even work that hard, I mean look at other people they’re working 20 hours and they’re fine.

8. It won’t disappear on it’s own.
It needs attention, reflection and modification in your lifestyle.

Women under lockdown

Somewhere out there,
a wife dreads the next 21 daysshe has to be with her abusive husband,who failed to change his ways.

who failed to change his ways.

A girl will have to tell her parentsabout her appointment at the clinic,

about her appointment at the clinic,

while her boyfriend continues
to pretendlike she doesn’t exist.

like she doesn’t exist.

It’s assumed that working moms
will takeover the household troubles,

She doesn’t get an off from office,
her work just doubles.

There’s a housewife who can’t watch
her favourite serial at ten.

Because controlling the remote
is the first chapter of ‘how to be men’.

A teenage girl depends on an archaic method
from the 18th century

because her father is to shy
to ask for pads at the pharmacy

Humanity seems to be going through a test

but this too seems rigged at best

and bigoted at worst

against the fairer sex.

Being a woman

It’s a struggle
a whole lot of trouble.
A constant fight
with no respite.
It’s gazing eyes
disproving your ripped levis.
It’s no room for mistakes
because of uneven stakes.
It’s blemished dreams
and muffled screams.
It’s stained dressed
and unruly tresses.
It’s beauty filters for a flawless skin
can’t be too fat, can’t be too thin
It’s a set deadline
to find a man that’s fine
because age looks good only on wine.

The part of adult life no one prepared me for

When they told me about adulting
they left out quite a bit.
They told me about the job, the settling, the compromises
yet nobody talked about “it”

It is the feeling of not ‘feeling it’.
It is the stiffness that creeps up in the middle of the day
It is confusion at play
It is figuring out what’s wrong when all seems okay.

It makes you stay home alone
calls you a loser when you’re scrolling through your phone.
It is why you see yourself in Meredith Grey
more than you ever did in Rachel Green.

It is never being enough
It is life’s biggest bluff.
It is a constant need of validation.
It is freezing because of your heart’s rapid vibration.

It is emptiness
that can’t be seen.
It is a silent whisper
in the form of a loud scream.

It is a sickness
or just the way life is.
It breaks you from inside
not fully, just enough that you can hide.

I don’t quite have a word for “it” yet
Just a feeling that’s stuck like an old cassette
I just wished they’d warn me before.
I wished they’d told me adulting was a war.
Where your enemy knows all that you do
It’s undefeatable because “it” is you.

Random thoughts that I bet no one else can relate to.

I have been told I am weird and these are just some of the things that make me so. I don’t think anyone can relate to these thoughts but I really want to be proven wrong. So here goes, unpopular opinion: Pallavi Kumar edition

1. Too much Chocolate is kind of suffocating
   .
2. I like my nightmares because they give me ideas for movie plots.
3. I used to hate sleeping in college, I thought there’s so much I was missing out on.
4. Raw Maggi tastes better than cooked noodles.
   I know I know I am going to get very sick.
5. I would rather have too much to do than nothing to do at all.
6. I enjoy planning for trips more than actually taking them.
7. I don’t think Logan is good for Rory in Gilmore girls.
8. I think the Twilight Saga was a good book series.
   Yes I can hear people unfollowing me.
9. I didn’t realize it was Scarlett Johansson’s voice in the movie ‘Her’
10. I like Chicago Pizza more than regular Pizza.
11. Car number plates with perfect squares or Pythagorean triplets are very soothing.
12. The movie- Predestination screwed up the concept of self-love for me.
    Love the movie but I can never love myself again.
13. Reading two books of the same genre consecutively feels like reading the same book again.
14. I don’t think anyone else likes what I write but I love it.
15. I don’t think I am good enough to have imposter syndrome.
16. Movie marathons are tiring. I prefer watching one movie a day. It gives me time to take it in and live in the world of the movie for some time.
17. I hate that I will never be able to see myself in real life and all I can see are reflections and images of myself.
18. I fear I’ll miss out if I say ‘never’ or ‘always.’ So, I usually avoid using those terms.
19. I am afraid of dying as a victim.
20. I am perpetually confused about whether or not I should be truly truthful in my blogs. I think that if I lie, I lose my real voice and if I tell the truth I become predictable and boring in real life. I am aware that I am not as unique as I would like to believe and I am putting this list out there to find out if there’s anyone who thinks the way I do and agrees with at least half of them. Is there anyone who thinks like me or am I just really really naive?

Looking back at the most defining decade of my life yet.

2010 feels both like yesterday and a million years ago at the same time. 2010 was the year the Apple Ipad and Justin Bieber were trending. (Yeah it’s been 10 years since we’re trying to get ‘Baby’ out of our heads)

There is no denying that things have changed, sadly not that many for the better. I feel like I have lived a whole lifetime in the last ten years. It was probably the most defining decade of my life.(I am trying not to be sad about the fact that it’s all probably downhill from here.)

I was a child pretending to know better than she did back in 2010. Going into 2020 I am an adult and honestly I know even less about life than I did back then. But I am still pretending to hold it together, mostly. 

2010 seems to be a different era, anxious was what you felt before tests, marriage was what older people did, failure meant not scoring 90 in an exam, depression was what Sylvia Plath had, having a boyfriend was the coolest you can be, nothing was impossible.

2010 felt like the start of something new and something big. I am trying my best to be as excited for 2020. (It was much easier when you had experienced nothing about life)

But before I get my hopes up for 2020, here is looking back at the decade and things that it changed.

Then:
I was a 15-year-old who always felt like a misfit, in between classes, after school never really connected with anyone.

I felt extra- like the buttons you get with an expensive dress they’re never supposed to be on the dress but forgotten in a ziplock in an old cupboard.

Now:
I know that there are some people in this world who will always make space for me in their lives. More importantly I know that I don’t have to fit in anywhere.

Humans weren’t designed to fit in anyone else’s world but create one of their own.

(Side note: Dear 15 year olds struggling to fit-in with their friends, it gets better.)

Then:
When I started this decade, I was practising for the 2010 commonwealth games- closing ceremony. I felt like they made a mistake and I really shouldn’t be here dancing in front of a million people. 

Now:
Almost 10 years later, I am practising for a dance performance at a close friend’s wedding. I know this is exactly where I belong, but I swear I am more afraid of screwing up this one.

Then: 
I was about to finish Harry Potter. I knew there would never be a story, a world that I would love as much as this one.
Now:
I just finished a book about a dystopian future and a socialist government controlling the thoughts of its citizens.
I still prefer Harry Potter. 

Then:
We were afraid that the world would end in 2012.

Now:
We are disappointed that it didn’t.  😦

Then:
I got my first smartphone and the best thing about it was that I could send pictures to my friends.
Now:
They say that you can survive without water for 7 days, I know  I can’t survive without my phone for 7 minutes.

 

Then:
I was afraid of failure.
Now:
I am afraid of mediocrity.

Then:
I wouldn’t celebrate my birthday to study for tests.
Now:
I don’t celebrate my birthday to avoid human interaction. 

Then:
I had 8GB memory on my phone and pictures of only very close friends made it.
Now:
I have a zillion GB and about 7 pictures of that potato chip that looks like a Mickey mouse.
 

Then:
I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.
Now:
I have no idea what I want to with my life. 

Then:
I was so afraid of public speaking.
Now:
I love the spotlight. (Shoutout to Delhi University) 

 

Then:
I was never bothered about how I look or how much I weigh. I used to look in the mirror and smile at what I saw.
Now:
I still like what I see in the mirror – my social media profiles however bother me. 

My instagram profile seems to be a more important reflection of myself than the one I see in the mirror.

Then:
I used to never speak my mind, afraid of what people would think.
Now:
I say what’s on my mind after turning on the close friends setting on Instagram, afraid of what people would say.

Basically, the last decade changed a lot – Some things for the better some not so much.

Now whether or not we’re ready- 2020 is here.
I am entering the next decade- a little optimistic, a little heartbroken, a little nervous, and very anxious.

2020-2030 you better be good to us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#25 of 100 Searching

Stop whatever you are doing and go and watch this movie right now!!

It was a saturday and there it was the unsaid pressure of ‘enjoying’ the weekend. I did have a very busy week and needed a break. I came across the trailer for this one and convinced a friend that we have to watch this movie even if it meant traveling to the other side of the city (for me)

This movie is based on a story we’re all very familiar with. A father is looking for his daughter who has been ‘taken’ from him. But  I promise that except for the premise everything else in the movie is brand new.

The treatment of the movie is what makes it refreshing. The whole movie is shown through screens.
Is this a comment on how we are living our lives only through screens now? How majority of everything we experience is dominated by a virtual reality surrounding us and slowly encompassing us as well. Maybe.
Or maybe  it is just the story from the point of view of the Google Robot that tracks everything we do. ( Hi Robot!)

While the treatment is clever it is the plot that made me wish I had written this story.
I forgot about my nachos  during the climax of the movie. That almost never happens.

Watch this movie if you want to watch good cinema, if you want a break from life, if you want to feel something.  If you are fond of Easter eggs in movies ( I love that)

Trivia- There was a movie Unfriended that also had a similar treatment. A character from the movie ‘Laura Barns’ was a trending topic in the beginning.

Dear Aneesh Chaganty , thank you for making this movie. Please let me be AD on your next one. You are a genius.

#24 of 100 Notting Hill

I should be ashamed of myself for not watching this movie before.

There are some movies which are made to change the way you think and challenge your perceptions of what normal is then there are those just to tell you that not all is lot even if it seems like that.

It was rather an odd monsoon evening in Mumbai when I watched this movie curled up in my blanket all alone. This movie set in Notting Hill, London is about a very good looking British book seller who accidentally meets a high profile Hollywood actress.

This movie is more than a romantic comedy because in there somewhere is a very important lesson of accepting what life gives you and having the courage to smile gracefully through it.

While  psychological thrillers and movies that tell you how screwed up humans are as a species are important, I think movies like Notting Hill are crucial to remind you that sometimes all we want is closer to us than we think.

Watch this movie when you want to smile.

My roommate, my English teacher, my Mom all recommend this movie.

Needless to say I was hoping I will bump into Deepika Padukone when I went down after watching this movie.

Favorite Quote : Don’t forget I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
( Du-uh)

Ps. I want to be as pretty as Julia Roberts someday.
PPS. Hugh Grant looks too good to be true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

#20 of 100 The Sweetest Thing

This movie made me cringe so hard.

I wanted to watch chick flick , nothing too intense so I ended up watching the sweetest thing.
It is about three women who live together and then one of them falls for a boy and then she goes to another town to find that boy.

What could go wrong with this cute simple plot right? Except this movie was written by someone who  has no idea how women really live.  This was right out of a boy’s fantasy.

In this movie girls take off their clothes and just because their favorite song is on start dancing in their underwear, in the middle of nowhere might I add.

If you are a boy who has no idea or interest about how girls live please watch this movie to continue living in that bubble.

There are very few movies that I don’t enjoy , sadly this was one of them.

You know what Netflix needs? they need a good Synopsis Writer. So that You don’t watch movies and then say bad things about them later.

If i had directed it – I would not reduce girls to sexy giggling objects but actually show what they would do for a boy they really care about and how their best friends would warn them not to go crazy about a boy but then go along with them as they go crazy for a boy.

PS. I love Cameroon Diaz and loved this black top that she wears in a club and I am looking for the same one

#19 of 100 Sex and the city

Oh my god why I had I not watched this movie before in my life?

It was the most horrible weekend of my life. I was away from my parents, I was not speaking to my best friend and I did not have the money to drown my sorrows in clubbing.

That’s when I watched this movie. A very close friend of mine had told me time and again that I would love the series.  After watching the movie I knew she was right. Everything about that is everything my fantasies are made of.

The movie is set 4 years after the series ends. It is about 4 girls who are best friends and taking on life in a city.

There was a little too much in the movie I think, but that is just me. And of course there was New York, a treat for sore eyes.

This movie became my source of light in an otherwise very gloomy world. I rememebred how amazing it is to have girl friends who are there with you no matter what.

I am truly blessed to have such friends in my life. After watching this movie I have held all of them so dearly.

Anyone who is upset  or worried because of a stupid boy who doesn’t value what he has. Needs to watch this movie and shift focus. I did.

Also now I have become totally addicted to Sex and the City the series and that is also the reason I have become so irregular in posting and writing.

Is it strange that close to twenty years after the series was filmed I still identify with these women , their problems , insecurities and dreams?